Blog Re-ignited

It's been a long lonely year- and so many changes- it occurred to me that maybe it's time to revisit an old spot in the internet. Still running. Probably not pausing often enough. First- just get something up and out there.

Talk to me

Impatience. How many times do we press for the next stage? When will the Next Big Thing finally happen? Is our kid behind? Why isn't she rolling? Crawling? Walking? Talking?.......Filling out her college entrance papers?.....



Not to sound like a wimp- but I'm fearful of pressing ahead. Scared that pushing them along to the next stage will make me forget to enjoy the delights of this one. Growing my baby up too fast- the thought stops my heart.

What fun it is when they can only lay on their backs like Sea anenomes- arms blowing in the air- eyes wandering your face- slow head turn to stare at their faithful friend "Ceiling Fan".... and how quickly they roll over to their fat little tummies- discovering that- oops- not being able to lift ones head makes that position a total pain in the ass. MOM! QUICK! FLIP ME BACK!

In the time its taken me to organize my thoughts for this blog- Dot learned how to walk. One day- no way- the next- she won't sit down. She's fascinated by animal sounds- and the ever expanding range of clicks, shrieks, moos...... No silent child will this one be.
Annie tells me every day the list of things she can do without the help of a grown up. She tells me all the things that she no longer needs me for- and I resist the urge to show her how much she still needs me. Because I know its just me needing her. Needing her to stay..... little? simple? Stay in this moment that I adore so much?
But I know I will love the next moment too. And the next. So many surprises waiting. And no new stage lasts long- for better sometimes- and for worse never. Just a new layer of child to be loved- like an onion putting on skins and getting ever bigger instead of peeling away.

"Sed fugit interea fugit irreparabile tempus"
"But it flees in the meantime: irretrievable time flees"
-Virgil

Of Straws and Camels backs....

Of Cabbages and Kings.... Of Potting training and Poopy Pants......

Yep. No photo on this post. Its my letter to you Little Annie- You who come by your little temper so honestly- straight from your mother... Whom I hope some day you will forgive... For the days I couldn't keep it together when just ONE more thing went wrong- and I lost my temper.
And that I'm so sorry.... for not being patient when I really needed to give you a hug... and letting my own dissapointment at having to follow through with discipline... and leave someplace fun.....and everyone is sad. And everyone yells. And even though we hug at the end- well I want you to know the saddest one was me after I closed the door for the night on your dear dear heart. Happy to close the door- sad that the day ended in chaos.
And I think about my own Mom- who lost her patience with me growing up- and know now- that she didn't have a mother nearby either. And she didn't have a friend to give her a break- and that she didn't have a husband who's hours let him come home to help out. And that some days- that one last straw... and well..... then there we are.
So one day Annie love- when you are 36- you'll understand too. And Until. Gosh you need to know. NO one is more upset at Mama than Mama.

And Little Heart. Even when all our stuffing falls out- and you and I butt our heads (our identical heads with identical temperaments- oh what a pair we are)
Even when our stuffing is all over the carpet- our mantra to one another remains true.

I Love you from Your Head to your Toes.
And I Love You Inside Outside Upside Down.
And I Love You from One to a Million.
Forever and Ever. No Matter. What.

Fridge

Some things to always have on hand for instant spontaneous delicious fun with kids.

Pudding mix

Jello

Frozen fruit for smoothies

Pie shells

muffin mix

cake mix

And if you happen to have some lemons on a Sunday morning..... and you happen to boil some water... and put in some sugar..... and you happen to squeeeeeeze in the lemons...... and it makes lemonade..... and you freeze some......

well then you not only have pops- to get icky sticky licky on your tummy..... well then. You have a memory.

And you know how some memories have a smell? Well this one smells delightful.

Its True.....

out running this morning- mind busy with thoughts for the day ahead- idling along hoping it won't rain on me. Hoping I can make it up this next hill. Hoping I can get it all done today. Why have I set so many tasks? When will we make time for the small projects and pile on the kitchen counter I want to show you? What about the cards and the cooking and the laundry? What about the odds and ends of things that sit and always wait for another day?

Last hill came up ahead- and a favorite old song- "Yellow" by Coldplay- a great beat to double time to and pound up the final hill (by pound I mean jog faster- not a rocket here- just an out of shape mom- but still proud of me) Coldplay sings...."Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you, And everything you do..."

Round the corner, limp to a stop, stretching legs down the street... Here comes our sweet small home.... Through the gate..... release the dog.... and through the front door to cheers of "MAMA!" and two glowing faces as Coldplay belts out "...for you I'd bleed myself Dry... For you I'd bleed myself Dry......"

And you both jump on me- or scoot rather for lil Dot.... and all the thoughts of the busy day melt away... and I can just sit- ipod still beating in my ears... I can take this moment and make it last all day..... My whole life even.

"Its true look how they shine for you look how they shine for you look how they shine for you look how they shine for you look how they shine for you look how they shine look at the stars look how they shine for you..."

Fuzz

What eyes you have! To see so much- to speak so little- but then reveal..... that you already know that dandelions are for blowing....... Are you only 13 months old?

Do you know that they are for wishing too? And if I look into those eyes- can I see all that you wish to be? That a lap is Always ready and waiting? That Mama doesn't need to do "just one more thing" before bending down to pick you up? That cold milk comes at the first beckon? That the grownups stop giving you sips of lemonade just to see you Squinch up that little face at the tartness? (oh how we giggle- I'm sorry Little Dot!)

Mommy has so many wishes for you- as you purse those lips and wetly blow into your first fuzzy dandelions. One hundred wishes. One thousand wishes.

I thought about making you a list.

But maybe they all come down to just something about... resilience and fortitude... and self assurance... and strength. Always believing that wishes can come True?

There. I wished it for you.

Landings

Where does it come from? This intrinsic belief that a leap will land her on her feet? No sense of impending doom- freedom of form and motion. It may be tall. It may be sharp. It may be a rough place to land. And yet she knows that her body can carry her over and above and onto her feet- with one big JUMP of motion she goes into the unknown. Again and again.

I've never been a worrier either. I don't believe in the waste of time- the energy- the forceful act of making oneself miserable without even knowing whats to come. Why invent some possible parallel universe in which walls are crashing down, microorganisms are spraying out, and dread dread dread rules ones every move?

How much simpler to just Choose to be Happy. To Choose to Try. To Choose to Look Forward To all Life has to offer.

To Believe that Happiness is ours just for the taking. And who knows where the Next Smile may be coming from?

So why not at least Try?

So I sit in the grass and let her feet take her. Her Sure Feet. Her Strong Feet. HER Feet.

She Believes in herself.

And I believe in her too.